Jessicarrot

Poetry Contest and Review of Telling Tales of Dusk

2010-04-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Erickson's book is available at Amazon, Barns And Noble, and Press 53.

Spring in North Carolina came on this year like a tiger pouncing on its prey. There was no comfortable easing-in to the warm weather. The pine trees have come alive in this heat, blanketing everything with a fluorescent yellow coat of pollen. Pine tree sex happens in the air we breath, and the evidence is everywhere. Walking down the driveway to my mailbox, a ghostly trail of yellow-lined foot prints appears in my wake.

This is my home; poetry exists in the air. I have the privilege of being the new poetry editor here, and every time I hear someone talk disparagingly about poetry, a little bit of me is always surprised. I usually say, “You just haven’t found a poet who speaks to you yet.” I have been lucky enough to stumble on quite a few poets who speak to me.

Poet Terri Kirby Erickson is no exception. I was introduced to her work through a mutual friend, and I’ve had the pleasure of reading her latest book, Telling Tales of Dusk. This collection of poetry feels like being around people I’ve known. Maybe because Erickson is a North Carolinian as well, but I suspect it is more than that. Telling Tales of Dusk is a warm, sensuous stroll through memories and conventions on the verge of slipping away into the darkness of time.

From Butter Mints “She wore floral patterned dresses with buttons white and round as moons…” I remember full boxes of buttons in my great-grandmothers house, counting and examining each one. Button collections like that belong back in a time when women wore floral dresses every day. In Queen Anne’s Lace “Queen Anne’s lace dandies up a ditch, like embroidered hankies in a farmer’s pocket.” I love that, and it reminds me of how my grandfather still carries an actual handkerchief in his pocket. Who does that anymore? I wouldn’t know how to blow my nose on an actual hankie. It would feel irreverent, somehow. From Salesman “Maybe death is like a door to door salesman. Not the eager boy with spit-shined shoes, but a middle-aged man in a brown Derby hat. His tie is egg-stained and crooked, shirt frayed at the cuffs.” The door to door salesman has long since given way to television infomercials and 24/7 Internet retailers. It adds to the defeated image of a middle-aged salesman of death. “Taking note of how tired he looks, face droopy and creased as an old hound dog’s, you feel kind of sorry for him, for what he’s there to do, but sorrier for yourself—unless you’re very sick or in pain, which makes it easier on both of you.”

There is a sense of security (for me) in having these images preserved so beautifully. There were also scenes, hauntingly familiar. In Grandaddy’s Ghost, I was reminded of a late night phone call when my own mother found out that her father had died, the line “Her knees hit the floor, loud as gunshots.” brings me to tears every time I think of it. And in Time I could relate to the feeling of desperate elation at finding a lost child, “I found you at the playground, You were laughing, your feet so high in the air, God could have grabbed you easily, by your loose sandal. Instead it was me pulling your off the swing, my arms holding you so tight, you came out the other side of me, grown.”

I loved this collection of poetry. It was beautiful and comforting and it made me feel at home. Now it is your turn to tell me about what feels like home to you. How do you know you’re home? What takes you back there when you’re away? What part of your home do you miss? What sensory elements remind you of home?. Is home a place or an idea for you? Terri Kirby Erickson has generously provided me with a copy of Telling Tales of Dusk to give away for a little poetry contest. The subject is home, whatever that means to you. First place will receive Erickson’s book. Second and third place will receive embroidered handkerchiefs. There will be no limit to the number of entries.

Email entries via the OWC poetry submission email address with the subject line “home, poetry contest” and the title of your poem. The deadline for this contest will be April 29th. Thank you for participating!

This article can be found at:

http://www.outsiderwriters.org/archives/5452

Black A poem, by Asher Smith

2010-04-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Asher asked me if we could write poetry for journals today. How could I refuse? I don't know where it came from, but I'll take it. This was Asher's poem:

Black is good
Black you can't see.
Black is weird.

I am going to encourage poetry from now on. This was the first time I've ever gotten him to compose something on his own without feeling like I was pulling teeth.

Who would you like to trade places with right now?

2010-04-07T13:35:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, maybe a year actually, my dad pointed me to an article by journalist Michael Yon. I loved it. Black gloves? Of course. If I were going to trade places with anyone in the world right now, I believe it would be Michael Yon. It would have to be "Being John Malkovich" style though, a female journalist just wouldn't cut it, unfortunately. My favorite line from Pedros, the first article I read of Yon's, was "Afghanistan is the land of a million Alamos." He was referring to the fact that Afghans build walls first and then they build their homes inside. Little compounds can be found in the middle of nowhere, miles from anything. This kind of first-hand observation is the kind of thing I envy more than anything. I am happy with my life, the choices I've made. But If I were to trade places, even for a short while, I would give anything to observe the kinds of things Yon is observing.

A few weeks ago, I started following Yon on Twitter. Some of my favorite pictures of the past few weeks:

Seedy little smile, I've seen that before.

Camel Viagara? The plant observations are the most interesting to me. I wouldn't notice, or think to ask about them. It seems Afghanistan is still a place where people know the medicinal value of plants.

Nice. English spelling rules are a pain.

Look at that place.

Look at that photography.

Sometimes in the middle of doing the dishes, or folding the laundry I'm thousands of miles away in my mind. Walking through desert terrain through the night, Staring at the moon over Afghanistan and wondering about the local plant life. I'm thinking about foreign faces, tiny Henna stained hands and feet, dusty little curious faces. I'm taking it all in through a camera lens. I'm making poetic observations a long way from home...

The Hurt Locker

2010-03-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

I love this. I loved the movie and I'm glad it beat out Avatar for best picture, it seems that once in a while the Academy gets it right. I'm glad that this poem exists, that it came to mean something to somebody, and that that somebody did something about it.

The Hurt Locker
by Brian Turner

Nothing but the hurt left here.
Nothing but bullets and pain
and the bled out slumping
and all the fucks and goddamns
and Jesus Christs of the wounded.
Nothing left here but the hurt.

Believe it when you see it.
Believe it when a 12-year-old
rolls a grenade into the room.
Or when a sniper punches a hole
deep into someone’s skull.
Believe it when four men
step from a taxicab in Mosul
to shower the street in brass
and fire. Open the hurt locker
and see what there is of knives
and teeth. Open the hurt locker and learn
how rough men come hunting for souls.

I loved how Kathryn Bigelow dedicated her Oscar to the men and women in the armed forces. I hope she continues to find success with her career. I hope she continues to see the beauty in complexity. I love this.

Have Faith

2010-01-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

"Have faith."

When he said it, the words pressed into my palms, like coins. Since then I've measured all virtuous currency. I've checked it against a balance sheet. I know how much it costs to cross the line. I know how much I earn for grieving. Annuities paid out for never questioning. Nose to the grindstone, I'll have enough by the end of next year.

When I have enough, I will cross the Rubicon. All my rabid sins will find me.

This is Port-au-Prince tower

2010-01-25T10:07:00.000-08:00

When you envision air traffic control what is the first image that comes to mind? I'm thinking, tower, radar screens, chain-smoking near suicidal controllers with endless supply of coffee, right? Okay, maybe I colored it a bit. I do think that air traffic control has a pretty high suicide rate though, but I haven't checked that fact. So, what happens when an earthquake hits and the tower gets destroyed and you have hundreds of airplanes trying to scramble in to a dinky little airport to provide relief for one of the most devastating natural disasters in recent history? What you do is call in the United States Air Force. And what they do, is mobilize a special forces team of combat controllers. And what they will do, within 20 minutes of landing, is establish order in a really messed up chaotic situation.

The airmen have been here since the evening after the earthquake, when they found that aid planes were landing randomly. They brought enough landing lights for the 10,000-foot runway, although the existing lights were still functioning. The control tower, however, was too badly damaged to be used. So the airmen put their table out next to the runway and, within 20 minutes of arriving, they began contacting airplanes with the message, "This is Port-au-Prince tower." They have been there since, working and sleeping in 12-hour shifts.

They landed about 50 planes that first night, and guided 35 or 40 to take off. There were only 10 parking spots by the main terminal, so aircraft stacked up quickly, blocking each other's movements. Small planes are sent to park on grassy fields. Helicopters are restricted to one side of the runway so that they don't interfere with arriving jets.
At times, an airmen jumps on a motorcycle to escort planes to their parking spots.

Thats right, ya'll, forget the radar screens and tower. All you need is a folding table and a CCT team and the job gets done. Hooyah.

Know what you are asking

2009-11-30T09:41:00.000-08:00

It is time to drag out the anti-war poetry.

War is Kind
by Stephen Crane (1871-1900)

Do not weep, maiden, for war is kind.
Because your lover threw wild hands toward the sky
And affrighted steed ran on alone,
Do not weep
War is kind.

Horse, booming drums of the regiment,
Little souls who thirst for fight,
These men were born to drill and die.
The unexplained glory flies above them,
Great is the battle god, great, and his kingdom
A field where a thousand corpses lie.

Do not weep, babe, for war is kind.
Because your father tumbled in the yellow trenches,
Raged at his breast, gulped and died,
Do not weep.
War is kind.

Swift blazing flag of the regiment,
Eagle with crest of red and gold,
These men were born to drill and die.
Point for them the virtue of slaughter,
Make plain to them the excellence of killing
And a field where a thousand corpses lie.

Mother whose hear hung humble as a button
On the bright splendid shroud of your son,
Do not weep,
War is kind.

Dulce Et Decorum Est
Wilfred Owen (1893-1918)

Bent double, like old beggars under
sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And toward our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick boys!–An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,–
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Ducle et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Its time to know what we’re asking. And I’m not sure that we know. I’m not sure its okay to send men off to die when we don’t know who the enemy is anymore. Or maybe when we’re just out-gunned with evil. Who sets a trap designed to slaughter those going to the aid of the wounded? Not anyone I’d want to die for. Not anyone I’d want to defend.

They flee from me

2009-10-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Sir Thomas Wyatt (1503-1542)

They flee from me that Sometime did me Seek

They flee from me that sometime did me seek

With naked foot, stalking in my chamber.

I have seen them gentle, tame, and meek,

That now are wild and do not remember

That sometime they put themself in danger

To take bread at my hand; and now they range,

Busily seeking with a continual change.

Thanked be fortune it hath been otherwise

Twenty times better; but once in special,

In thin array after a pleasant guise,

When her loose gown from her shoulders did fall,

And she me caught in her arms long and small;

Therewithall sweetly did me kiss

And softly said, "dear heart, how like you this?"

It was no dream: I lay broad waking.

But all is turned thorough my gentleness

Into a strange fashion of forsaking;

And I have leave to go of her goodness,

And she also, to use newfangleness.

But since that I so kindly am served

I would fain know what she hath deserved.

I just came across this poem on my new favorite website. The language/culture/history barriers aside, I think, at first reading it is at least interesting. More interesting with this sexier picture of Sir Thomas. Really, wikipedia and Representative Poetry online, you make it hard to love a man! And, btw, he was over 6' tall, if that helps.

The comentary by Ian Lancashire is very helpful. But I am still a bit scandalized. I mean, look at the date up there! The man was alive in a time that conjures up some very strong imagery for me. But none of it includes a culture of diverse sexual affairs. Which is very naive of me, I know. I realize that for the species to survive, people were having sex. I just never imagined that they were...writing about it. Was this the type of poetry people talked about in polite company? I'm dying to know. And how was it that this kind of adultery was so widely accepted that poetry like this survived? And who was this woman, in the 1500s that was taking on a man who "lay broad waking" without any agenda aside from... recreation? Ian Lancashire tells us that this type of poetry is very rare. (I should think so!)

"Courtiers, like Henry, wrote love lyrics in pursuing a woman's sexual favours, but once seduced, unmarried women lost their power. Few men would complain, in lyrics, about being rejected by someone they had successfully bedded because they usually were fully prepared to move on to new sexual partners..."

So, what catagory of litterature is this? Was it the 1500s version of Cosmo? Its so very subtle, I have no idea if this is something people would giggle about in intimate company or if this would have been in the restricted (through time) to only men?

As for the mystery bird, that wild unfettered creature... I'll tell you what she deserved, Sir Thomas, she deserved some fragment of history to have preserved what it was like for a 16th century woman in the Court of Henry the VIII! Because apparantly, there really is nothing new under the sun. I find it facinating to find how people have always slipped into the margins of history. The things we know about Sir Thomas Wyatt are dry and boring speculation inside dates and facts. Judging by his poetry, he seems like a very complex and sensative character. I am fascinated.

Gangotri (The place where The Ganges flows to earth from heaven)

2009-10-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

In the thin air at Gangotri, I hover like a ghost.
Every breath is poison.
I fall through a sky of fire
and fade from view.

You hover over me like a halo of mercy.

Palaces, and legacies of
civilizations pass through my eyes
to yours.

Together we purify these bones.
Together we burn and scrape them clean.
And when the stars align,
we shine.

The poet of my adolescent dreams

2009-10-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

The first time I read those words, it was like they were emblazoned on the shield of the absolute warrior-hero of my dreams. Anyone who could put rage and gentle together in a lyrical poem to his dying father was a ROCK STAR in my book. Imagine my heartache when my 12th grade English teacher snidely remarked that this man, the one who so earnestly plead with his dying father to fight and rage against death walked into the White horse tavern on November 9th 1953 and drank himself to death. It wasn't enough to stop me from adoring this poem, but I was so utterly disappointed that the rock star went out that way. That he just gave up.

Poetry is important to me at the moment, so I'm revisiting all the masterpieces of my youth. I decided to look up my old flame and a quick Google search may have restored my admiration of the rock star who was Dylan Thomas. What if he didn't drink himself to death? What if he was sick before he went in to the bar? I am so bored of celebrity who-done-it access Hollywood exclusives about the doctors responsible for killing off celebrities. Yeah, doctors screw up, they are human. When they screw up with someone famous, we all get to hear about it. But according to author David Thomas the personal physician of Dylan Thomas likely misdiagnosed a bronchial infection and proceeded to administer the worst possible drug, morphine, assuming that Dylan Thomas' condition was the result of his heavy drinking.

People have to take responsibility for their actions, I was appalled at this BBC article that lays blame for DT's alcoholism at universities for not giving him a fellowship, or at the BBC for not giving him a job as a reporter, or on his reliance on American lecture circuits that kept him away from his wife and family. Nope, I don't buy the whole celebrity=victim thing. Dylan Thomas was most likely an alchoholic, he had only himself to blame for that. And his poor diet, heavy drinking and sleeplessness contributed to his poor health. But I do take comfort in the new evidence. I guess it isn't that new, 5 year old evidence that the poet of my dreams did not lay his life down in a fit of drunkenness in a bar. He arrived in New York feeling ill, cheated on his wife with the assistant of his agent and had some drinks. After complaining to his physician that he couldn't breath, his doctor gave him some morphine, which had the affect of further hampering his breathing. He then colapsed and was admitted to the hospital where he lay comatose until his death. His genius brain was deprived of oxagen and he died of swelling to the brain.

I feel assured that he lived, he strained against his poverty, he met his obligations (if not to his wife) with all the rage he could muster, he used up his life until it he intersected with a fatal series of mistakes, and learning too late, I think he must have grieved on his way to the dying of the light.

I guess it is strange to take comfort in that. But I do.

To BJay

2009-10-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLvR5NiCPb0&feature=related]

The plow is coming

2009-09-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Contemplating moving my blog to blogger. I have been tinkering with the customization tools here and I think I like them.

Pictures??

2007-12-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I didn’t even think to take pictures of Christmas morning. I think BJay might have gotten some video. But I’ll have to post pictures of our two big projects. The train table for Gabers (redeux) and a dress-up wardrobe and armoire for Hila from me and BJay. It turned out rather nice, and we fit it into the girls room. I felt guilty not making Asher anything so he got a LOT of legos. We still haven’t opened all of them. The past few days at our house have been a little yucky. A stomach virus got us all down, excpet BJay. I think its because he magically slept through all the clean-up detail. But its just as well, men can be such babies when they are sick! I got an under-counter mount cd/radio an BJay got r/c helicopters. We have really enjoyed having my brother and his wife and baby here this Christmas. Little Jakers is an adorable 2 month old. And its nice to have the missing peice in place in our family for a little while. I’m hoping everyone stays well so we can party tonight at my mom’s house!

Christmas

2007-12-25T07:40:00.000-08:00

How Silently, how silently

The wonderous gift is giv’n!

So God impoarts to human hearts

The blessings of his heav’n.

No ear may hear His coming;

But in this world of sin,

Where meek souls will receive him, still

The dear Christ enters in.

Only girl with 3 big brothers Vs. Hila, queen of the house and boss of 2 brothers and a sister

2007-12-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

I was fixing my neice Opal and Hila some chocolate milk this morning. The chocolate syrup is almost gone so it made *that* sound. Opal laughs and says, “Ha. It farted!” Hila said quickly, “It tooted.”

Opal, “It farted, farty fart fart!”

Hila talking over her cousin loudly, “It tooted! It tooted! Toot!”

Then Hila got frustrated that Opal wasn’t taking the hint. “No! Opal, it tooted!”

Opal, “Oh. It tooted.”

Chocolate milk in hands, they went off to play dolls.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

I escaped the house last night to do some last minute stocking stuffer shopping. I brought Hannah with me because Hila’s best friend/cousin was spending the night and I didn’t want BJay to feel too overwhelmed. So I was wandering the isles looking for some baking cups that I knew wouldn’t be there when out of the corner of my eye I spied a woman who was looking for something. She saw the baby carrier on my cart and came toward me. I was expecting her to ask me a baby related question. She quickly handed me an envelope and said Merry Christmas! I was a little taken aback and said thank you. And before I could comprehend what just happened, she was gone. I looked at the envelope in my hand and the words “Merry Christmas” were written on it in red ink. I opened it and there was $50 cash inside. I may not be the most needy person in the world, but $50 is a big deal to me. I stood there in the isle and cried a second. I don’t know why. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. Maybe the fact that someone was going out of their way to make the world a Merrier place at Christmas struck me as wonderful. I LOVE giving gifts. I am absolutely giddy this time of year because I love to give people things that I think they would like. I love to make and buy things that I know my children will love. I’m not trying to brag but I honestly don’t ever think about getting anything for Christmas. So I guess that is what struck me when the anonymous woman gave me that gift. How nice it is to recieve things that are joyfully given. So I thought I’d pass on the Merry Christmas! Sorry, I’m keeping the cash!

I'm old

2007-12-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

BJay and I were asked to be Mary and Joseph for our ward Christmas party. Hannah played Baby Jesus. She is a terrific actress. I laid her down in that scratchy hay and wire halo and she didn't make a fuss. I was thinking about how old Mary must have been and it made me feel really old. Technically I think I could play Mary's mother. If she was around 15 when she was married. Strange. I thought BJay was a very cool looking Joseph in the Kurta Pajama I got him in India. Well its probably the first and last time we ever get to be a nativity!

Santa

2007-12-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

The real flips

2007-12-14T07:37:00.000-08:00

So the house across the street is getting a new roof put on. When we were coming home from picking up Asher from school I pointed out to the kids that there were men on the roof across the street putting on a new roof. Asher said, “I think they are flipping it.” I said, “Really?” He says, “Yeah, they are the real flips.” Then he gets out of the van to play in the front yard and waves at the men working on the roof saying, “Hi flips!” Later that night when BJay got home from work Asher reported that he had seen the real flips across the street putting on a new roof. TLC anyone?

Haircuts and Hannah

2007-12-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

I gave the boys haircuts today.

Gabe with Hannah

Gabe's bike

2007-12-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

New lights!

2007-12-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

BJay spent all last Saturday putting up new lights

Before

After

After a year with shoplights in the family room, these new ceiling fans are really nice!

Jumping

2007-12-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

Guess what BJay is doing in the background of these pictures?

Nuclear Medicine and a Christmas Party

2007-12-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

I met with the nuclear medicine Dr. yesterday. Mom came with me to help with the kids. He was very thurough (sp?), taking my whole history from me, etc. He said that because I’m at relatively low risk he is okay with me breastfeeding the baby as long as I want (or for the next 6 months anyway) and then doing the RAI. I’m still confused about how long to stay away from the children, but he seemed to think that a week was plenty of time… The new study my Endo was talking about was something that won’t help me at this point in the game, but if there is going to be a recurrance it will be helpful… I’m thinking about it. Its a pretty annoying sounding study, a week of serial blood draws and scans. And that is the week before the RAI, so that doubles the time away from the kids. I’m thrilled that I get to keep breastfeeding the baby for a decent amount of time though.
Last night was also the office Christmas party. BJay was in charge of the arrangements and he doesn’t ever want to do it again! LOL. He decided against a really fancy resturant for the adults and went with a cheaper one so everyone’s families could be invited. I thought it was fun. We ate way too much pizza though. The party was at a resturant I used to work at as a teenager. I was suprised the owner actually remembered me. And the food was as good as I remembered. Hannah slept through the whole thing. She’s getting over a cold I think. I will be posting pictures soon.

My Gabers

2007-12-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

Gabe turned 2 today. Well, technically yesterday, but only by 48 minutes. I just love him like crazy. He has so much personality already at two. We got him a Radio Flyer trike and some balls and a puzzle. All he needed was the bike. He couldn’t even wait for the seat to be fastened on. Its one of those cool ones with a long handle that I can push and steer with. I’ll post pictures later. We threw him a little party with his nursery buddies. It was a good day.

Hila-ism

2007-12-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

Serious face

“Mom, the story of us is not going to be over for a long, long time!”

When asked to close her eyes during family prayer

“But when I close my eyes, its too dark!”

Happy Baby

2007-12-01T07:30:00.001-08:00

Finally, here are the pictures of Hannah smiling that I've promised.

I just love it.

Hila's an artist

2007-12-01T07:30:00.000-08:00

My daughter is a genius. Check out her latest photos.

Pathology report II

2007-11-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

So we went to Chapel Hill today for the 2nd pathology report. It was pretty good news. There was another small tumor on the left side that was taken out. So its good that I got the total thyroidectomy. There was no sign of vascular invasion and no sign that the cancer has spread. Lymphnodes were clear, and the surgeon said that the chestscan was clear. So I think that means that I’m pretty much cancer free. The next and hopefully final step of the journey is to meet with the nuclear medicine guy next week and come up with a strategy for the RAI. I think that is going to be the worst part, but I spoke with my Endocrinologist and he was saying that there is a new procedure they just started 6 months ago that may require less time away from my children. I hope so. I’ll update on that whenever I learn more. It was a good 10 year anniversary. We spent some time wandering the mall and Sam’s club and got some lunch at Panera. Probably not the spectacular day I might have expected 10 years ago, but just perfect for where I’m at right now. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love all the time I get to spend with them.

Kick-off to Christmas

2007-11-26T07:24:00.000-08:00

We enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving week. Thanksgiving dinner was at the inlaws this year. My sisters and I went up to Cary and crashed at Jamie’s pad so we could be closer to the Black Friday sales. I dragged them out of bed at 3am and we divided and conquered our sale shopping lists! I stayed in line at Staples while they went to Old Navy and Kohls. We got everything we were hoping for. And we did it on only 1.5 hours of sleep! Hannah, poor thing, was my shopping buddy. She stayed bundled up and cozy in her bjorn and slept through most of it, waking for the occasional feeding and diaper change. Friday mom hosted a leftover & pie feast. Yum. I’m sorry, but my mom’s pie is the best! It was the boy’s turn to play all night. BJay, Tony and my dad played Wii until the wee hours of the morning. Silly boys. Then Saturday we recovered the disaster of our house and went on a walk around the reservoir lake. It was beautiful. Asher and Hila were able to keep up, and 2.2 miles is a long way on those little legs! So tomorrow BJay and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary by going up to Chapel Hill for my follow up appointment from my surgery and while we are there we’ll get a bite to eat. Then we have to dash home so we can put up our stockings and Christmas tree for FHE. Sigh. Life is busy and pleasant.

Thanksgiving in Kindergarten

2007-11-20T07:23:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of attending Asher's kindergarden Thanksgiving program and feast today. It was adorable. Mom took the younger kids for me so I could go. Another reason its good to live near family!

I am thankful (in no particular order)

2007-11-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

1. The four most beautiful, sweet, well behaved children ever.

2. My husband of almost 10 years who gets better every year.

3. Having more than one place to share Thanksgiving day with family.

4. That BJay was able to fix our busted water line and we didn't have to call a plumber...except for Donovaughn at 8pm last night. Thanks D!

5. For the blessing of living near a lot of our family.

6. For the blessing of having my children grow up near most of their cousins, both sets of grandparents, one set of great grandparents, 6 aunts, and 5 uncles.

7. For really good health insurance!!!!!

8. That BJay's employers are paying for our great insurance.

9. For two nights of dinner brought in. Thanks Paige and Cyndi!

10. For Black Friday sales...and sisters to shop with!

11. That my body is able to heal so easily.

12. That the bill for my surgery wasn't as astronomical as I was expecting it to be!

13. For awesome friends both near and far!

14. That my mom gave me the sewing machine she won when I was 12 that she's secretly wished she kept.

15. That cooking a turkey is optional for me.

16. For people who don't even know me who have prayed for me.

17. That we bought this house we're fixing up even though I have done nothing but complain about it.

18. That I get to stay home with my awesome children.

19. For only having made 1 trip to the ER in almost 6 years of being a parent. *knock on wood*

20. For the extra joy that having children during the Holidays.

21. That I can put up the Christmas tree in our new house soon.

22. That my mom has just about finished knitting stockings for all of my children that match the one I had as a kid.

23. That my husband doesn't care so much that dinner is almost never on the table for him when he comes home as long as breakfast is there when he wakes up.

24. That my pediatrican told me I should eat as much as I want since I'm breastfeeding a 13 pound baby.

25. For the blessing of living at a time where amazing support and advice can come from support groups on the internet!

26. For my son's Kindergarden teachers who want him to improve and succeed.

27. For all the things I've learned from TLC's "What not to wear" that I'm not doing.

28. For the "thankful turkey" on my fridge that lists the blessings my children are thankful for.

29. For the blessing of being able to share what we have, not matter how much we have.

30. That I've made it to 30 and learned that my true sucesses and most treasured blessings are not what I thought they would be when I was 20.

Second time is twice the fun

2007-11-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

So my second surgery this month was successful. This time they made me stay over night, and that was torture. I had to be away from my baby for a whole 24 hours. She wasn’t happy without me either. My awesome mother in law took the three younger kids for me all day Friday until the morning Saturday when we got back. Hannah was upset most of the day Friday, and then slept from 9pm to 9am when BJay brought her to me. She has just started smiling and cooing and when I held her Saturday morning she was all smiles and coos. It was so nice to see after a night of looking at the clock every 5 minutes. The recovery this time seems just as easy or easier. But I “let” my sisters in law bring me dinner this time. Its been really nice. I know BJay appreciates some real food. Paige made us some awesome beef stew yesterday and home made bread, and my favorite cookies. Yum. I’m going to have to milk this for all its worth! We’ll go back Monday after Thanks giving to find out the next set of pathology results. That day happens to be our 10th anniversary, so I’m hoping that is good luck!

Fun night

2007-11-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

After having the kids help me clean all morning and taking a nice nap, we decided to go for a hike around the reservoir park. BJay wanted to see what the water level is there. It took a good 40 minutes to get the kids all rounded up and in the car…okay most of the time was me looking for the keys. They were in a jacket I wore today that I couldn’t find. Asher helped me clean up and when I told him to put my jacket in the closet he threw it in the linen closet instead of the coat closet. I’m sure there is no difference in his mind! Anyway, we finally got on our way with only 30 minutes of daylight left. BJay called my dad on the cellphone to see if he wanted to fly radio-controlled airplanes instead and my parents reminded us that there was a ward social tonight! So we dropped the kids off at the church where they were offering free babysitting (yay!) and dashed home to change out of our sweats. We got to tour this massive brand new home that a family in the ward just built. I think it was something like 9000 sq. ft. complete with secret passageways and revolving bookcases with hidden rooms. Fun! We picked up the kids and they were wired from running around like maniacs with the other children in the gym. What an unexpectedly fun night!

Pathology report

2007-11-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

So we got the pathology report back. It wasn’t what I was hoping, but about what I was expecting. There were two tumors and two different types of thyroid cancers. Both are highly treatable, highly survivable cancers. The smaller tumor was papillary, which is the most common, most curable type of thyroid cancer. The larger tumor was follicular, which is also very curable but less common. The treatment is to go back and have a second surgery to remove the rest of my thyroid. Then kill anything that remains with radioactive iodine. So the good news is that after these measures, there is usually no reoccurance of cancer after 10 years. And that means that most likely there will be no chemotherapy involved. But I will likely have to stop breastfeeding Hannah. I go back for the second surgery a week from tomorrow.

BJay and I are trying to laugh this off as much as possible. I keep saying that I now get to play the cancer card whenever I don’t want to do something. And BJay is joking about not needing Christmas lights this year because I’ll be radioactive. Luckily for us, the children don’t have the word “cancer” in their vocabulary yet. So the word doesn’t scare them as much as is does other people. I don’t want anyone to freak out though, because the prognosis for me is really good. I’ll get to say I’m a cancer survivor without having to “earn” it the way most people do.

Ta-Da!

2007-11-07T07:18:00.000-08:00

Here I am right before surgery with a "yes" on the part of my thyroid that was going to be removed.

Here is a picture Hila took of me the day after showing the bandage.

And here is what the scar is going to look like. It doesn't actually look so bad in this picture.

So tomorrow we go back for the lab results. I'm feeling back to normal except for a little bit less range of motion when I turn my head. The kids are doing great too. Hannah is officially spoiled. But they are only babies for a little while.

Surgery went well

2007-11-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

The surgery went well. We went in at 6am, got into surgery at 7:30, (right on time) the surgery was done by 9:00am (just as planned) and I came around at about 10:00am. I spent a little longer in recovery because of a heart palpitation that they ordered an ekg for, but they released me around 1pm. I haven’t felt the need to fill the pain medication perscription, ibuprofin seems to do the job just fine, and I’ve been spending the day lazing around in bed. We go back next Thursday to find out the lab results, but I’m still pretty optimistic. Cancer or no cancer I feel really good about the eventual conclusion of this little chapter in my life.

So all is well, I think I’ll be feeling fine by Sunday when we bless baby Hannah. I’ll post some pictures tomorrow of the “yes” they wrote in the area my surgery was supposed to be. I actually thought of doing that myself but I didn’t want to offend anyone, so I’m glad its their policy. The bandage stays on for 2 days and then I’ll get to see what kind of scar I’ll end up with. Yes!

It's good to have friends...

2007-11-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

So I was rushing around today getting the house clean and getting the kids ready to spend the night at Grandma’s and Mema’s and I noticed that there was a package on my doorstep. I haven’t ordered anything, it isn’t anyone’s birthday and all our family lives close enough to just drop something off if they want to. So, it was a very intriguing and exciting peice of mail. Unfortunately I first spied it when I was going to pick Asher up from school, running late–so I waited until I got back. I almost forgot about it because it was a mad rush getting things together before the big client appreciation dinner my husband’s family threw tonight. But this time when I was pulling out of the garage I stopped the car and picked up the box. I didn’t foresee having a quiet moment this evening so I ripped it open while driving. And I found the most thoughtful, sweetest, best card and gifts inside. I read the card while driving too (yikes) and it seriously made me cry. I know that people are put into our lives for a reason. And God does occasionally speak to us through the thoughtful acts of kindness and love by those who are close to us. I’ve been trying not to make a big deal about my surgery tomorrow or worry anyone with the little scraps of paranoia I keep locked up in the back of my mind. A comfy pair of slippers, some foot scrub, a Reader’s Digest and some yummy chocolate speak volumes. Its good to have friends. And its good to feel that even things unsaid can be heard. Thank you!!!!

Halloween!

2007-11-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

Mema showing Gabe a picture of himself on her digital camera.

Chicken Pants!!!

Hila decided NOT to wear her princess costume at the last minute. After she insisted that we wash the princess dress earlier today. She decided she wanted to be super Hello Kitty instead. An awesome Mexican wrestling mask that my mother-in-law bought at a flee market in CA.

Asher in his Clone trooper costume...not storm trooper!

Our little pumkin in her carseat!

Here are the kids playing a game at the ward trunk-or-treat party.

Hila took this one of Hannah getting a snack in her pumkin outfit after the festivities.

This is another self portrait of Hila in the car on the way home.

Hila got this one of Gabe pulling off his sock in the car. Something about the car makes Gabe want to take his socks and shoes off every time!

You have no idea

2007-10-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Adding #4 to our family hasn’t been a dramatic change. I’ve had an easy recovery and Hannah is an easy baby. She still sleeps most of the day. Picking up Asher from school every day is probably the hardest part of having four children. But I have a gripe about going out in public with four children. Not to brag, but I have really great kids. I think I do anyway and that is all that matters in this scenerio. EVERY time I’m out with my children, even when Asher is in school and I just have the 3, I get so many negative comments. I can not tell you how many times I’ve heard the comment, “You have your hands full!” while out with my children. People ask me if I’m done yet, people tell me 2 boys and 2 girls is a good place to stop. People suggest that I probably don’t want to have the next one too soon. What? My demeanor is such that people don’t usually talk to me when I’m out by myself. I’m pretty shy and I mind my own business and I think I send subconcious signals for people to leave me alone. But when I have my children out for some reason people feel compelled to make comments… And very seldomly are they positive. I do get the occasional “You have beautiful children” from the older folks. Maybe because they are from a different time when a family of 6 was more common. But this is also the age of TV and how many shows are there on TLC about large families? What kind of things do you hear when you have 10 or 17 kids in tow? Two moms were waiting to pick up their kids outside of school when I rolled up with Hila and Gabe in the stroller and Hannah strapped to me in the Bjorn. They had a whole conversation to each other about my family before asking me how many I had in school. I told them and they said, in a condescending way, “More power to you.” I don’t think I’m being overly sensative. If the comments were meant to be encouraging I think I’d feel that. So I’ve been trying to come up with an appropriate response. Something that says, “Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. I love what I do, and these children are amazing!” without having to say all that. So I’m thinking next time instead of smiling and nodding I’ll say, “You have no idea.” with a smile and be on my way. I do love what I do. And that doesn’t mean that its easy and blissful every moment. But the moments that count are truly joyful. I feel extremely blessed. I just wish that everyone else could see that.

Things I love about October

2007-10-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

I was actually cold for the first time this weekend! I actually had to put on a sweatshirt. Horray! The weather here in NC is always strange. It is cool today, my toes are cold. So since it is finally looking and feeling like fall, I thought I’d make a list of things I love about fall. In no particular order…

1. Candy corn. I don’t know why. Its kind of a gross candy, but in the fall I just can’t get enough of it.

2. Wearing sweaters/sweatshirts. “Sweater weather” is just so refreshing and cozy. Plus its good for when you just had a baby and the flab is still hanging around.

3. Halloween. Halloween is the gateway to all the best Holidays. Once Halloween is done, time speeds up until Christmas.

4. Apple Cider. Yum. And what an awesome smell!

5. The state fair. Okay, I didn’t love it enough to wade through the lines, park and hike the children up to it. But I have the fondest, most nostalgic feelings about the fair. This year we made it up to just outside when we saw the crowds, changed our minds and went to a $1.50 movie instead.

6. The livestock at the state fair. I love looking at all the cows, goats, pigs… not the fowl so much because they stink. But they make me feel like I want to be a farmer…although I’m way more of a city girl than I thought!

7. Fall Festivals. I’m an equal opportunity fall-festival-er. I loved the little one they had at Asher’s school. And the ones they do at church (as long as I’m not in charge of organizing them And I love the street fair they have in Southern Pines where BJay recently ran a 5k–go B!

8. Carving pumkins. This has only gotten better with kids!

9. Halloween parties. Love them, love people who throw them. Love hearing my children explain to me what apple bobbing is!

10. Fall colors. I love wearing them and seeing them in the trees. Nature is amazing.

11. Gift planning. I am definately a gift giver. I LOVE giving gifts, making gifts, wrapping gifts, planning where to buy and how much to spend on gifts. About Halloween time I’m making my lists and checking them twice. Love it.

12. Size 24 mos courderoy pants. LOL. This one won’t last forever, but pulling out all Asher’s old 2T winter clothes was so fun this year. And seeing Gabe wearing them was even sweeter. What is cuter than a 2 year old boy in plaid shirts and courderoy pants?

*13. Chicken Pants. I had to add this one. You’ll see when I post the pictures of the kids in their costumes!

Horray for fall!

Hila's Photo Essay

2007-10-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

I turned Hila loose with the digital camera and I was pretty impressed with her work! I didn't crop any of these. She even figured out how to make a video of herself.

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7511382268342619543&hl=en]

7 days until I go under the knife

2007-10-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to remain calm about my thyroid surgery next week. At first I was just worried about leaving my baby over night. Now it looks like I will get to go home from the recovery room if all goes well. So I’m hoping all will go well. We are blessing Hannah that Sunday so it better go well. The Dr. said that the biggest complaint he gets is that its hard to turn your head while driving. Any prayers would be much appreciated. I have always felt that everyting was going to be fine. But there are always the lingering doubts and concerns.

Not enough pictures of baby Hannah

2007-10-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

My poor little girl doesn't have many pictures of her yet. The ones I have are all of her sleeping. Which is really all she does right now. As soon as I can catch a good smile I'll post it. Her smile is super cute, she's been smiling in her sleep since she was born.

Asher's Kindergarten parade

2007-10-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

BJay got an okay video of Asher coming down the isle, but the flash was off on the camera so we didn't get any good pictures of him not singing with his class. For October 23rd it was incredibly hot and humid in the auditorium. There was a really musty smell too. Yuck. Instead of singing with the class Asher kept flashing us a thumbs up during the presentation. It was pretty cute.

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4781141797124426446&hl=en]

Before we got in the car I snapped a picutre of Asher in his storm trooper costume. Even though he had to "go" he still smiled cute for me!

Hila and Gabe

2007-10-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Hila and Gabe escaped this morning to play in the glorious rain. I noticed that they had stopped watching Dora and went to the front door and and found them soaking wet stomping in puddles. We're in a pretty serious drought right now so the rain is welcome. The children did not want to come in when I called them. It was much more fun to run from me around the driveway. Once again I'm glad we didn't move into that house in Carthage on a busy street. I don't think Gabe would have survived. It didn't occur to me to take a picture of my kids misbehaving. But as soon as I rounded Gabe up and dried him off I laid him down in his bed and tucked the comforter all around him. He was so pleased he didn't protest his nap as he usually does. He just drifted peacefully to sleep. Sleep on a rainy day has to be one of the finest luxuries in the world.

I have a new Nephew!!

2007-10-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

My brother is a proud new daddy.

Jacob Alexander Juett was born October 17th, weighing in at 7 lbs 6 oz. and 20.5 inches long. The new family is doing well and we can't wait to see them this Christmas!!!

Guess Who?

2007-10-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

I couldn't leave the girls out. Hila or Hannah? We twisted Grumpa's arm both times!

Asher's first day in Kindergarten

2007-10-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

I need to get better at editing my pictures before I try and post them. They are always too big. Anyway I'm just goofing around to figure this out. I love this picture of Asher though. Its hard to believe he's in Kindergarden already.

Guess Who?

2007-10-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

I was going through some old picutres and found someone who looked familiar. Guess which one is Asher and which one is Gabe?

Things worth writing about

2007-10-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

I have always thought of myself as a writer. Ever since I started journaling at age 8. Unfortunately I am very limited in the English language, which is also the only language I know. I think my limitations with English made it impossible for me to ever really understand the other languages I’ve studied. Its humbling to figure out that you aren’t really good at the thing you imagine yourself really good at. So I guess I’m saying, don’t expect propper grammer, word usage or spelling. Speaking of, its really fun to go back and look at things I’ve written before. Things that I thought were important enough to hand write or interesting enough to save in my outgoing email to other people. I guess a lot of it is self congradulatory. And maybe there isn’t anything wrong with that. Because I’m also pretty good at recalling things that I’m not proud of. And things that are down right embarassing. Its healthy to laugh at yourself while primarily representing yourself as an absolute genius. I think. Anyway I was thinking of things that I wanted to write about. And one thing I’ve been recently congradulating myself about is how I’ve improved as a homemaker.

In the car the other day I said to BJay, “Remember when our room used to be a mess all the time?” It seemed to me a very distant memory. But then he reminded me that it was less than a year ago that our bedroom was such a mess that a dirty diaper sat on our wood floor so long it actually stained the wood. If only the new owners of our house knew that, right? Ha ha. And then I was reminded of when we were first married and the Bishop of our ward called to ask if it was alright if he came by for a visit. We said sure, and then spent every second scrambling to clean up until he got there. Our solution to the disaster that was our tiny apartment was to pile everything into our comforter and throw it on our bed and close the door to the bedroom. This worked out just fine until the Bishop asked to use our phone…and the only phone we had was a corded phone IN our bedroom. So I feel okay congradulating myself for my recent improvement in homemaking. I no longer sweat when someone drops by unanounced. That is big. And not only is my bedroom clean and my bed made every day. My kids rooms are clean too. And what is the difference? Mostly I think, I just decided I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I just didn’t want to be the messy house, messy car kind of person. Also my mother in law gave me the book The Joys of Homemaking by Daryl V Hoole. The book was inspring in a very common sense kind of way to me. So one of my new hobbies is organizing. Plus I went through a very hardcore nesting phase when I was pregnant with my 4th child. I made up all kinds of charts and schedules. I learned a lot of common sense things about homemaking I had either ignored or never understood before. I’m definately not “there” yet. I have tons of room for improvement. But I feel like I’m a changed person. And I’ve grown. So yay for me. I’m 30 and I just figured out how to keep my house clean. Now to tackle the next self-improvement goal on my list…