Today would have been BJay's 40th birthday. I was going to say something about how he's lucky he never had to turn 40, and how I would have teased him all day about being so old and how lucky he is having such a young wife. But then... I think about yesterday and all the fun we had celebrating Bridger's birthday. I am the lucky one. Because growing older is a privilege.
This morning I slept in late and when I woke up I made one of BJay's favorite breakfasts. Ebelskivers.? Little ball-shaped pancakes. Except they were gluten-free. And I put a ton of cinnamon in them. And I was thinking as I did that if BJay would have been annoyed about that? But I think if he were here I wouldn't have slept in. And I would have made them exactly the way he liked them. And so, I guess the point is... I guess the point is I'll never know what it would have been like to celebrate BJay turning 40, except in the way I'm celebrating right now.
I am lucky to see him the way I see him now. All the day to day compromises and annoyances have long since turned to ash. And all that is left is what is burned into my heart, and these five beautiful little children. And I can't help but sound like a broken record, I am the lucky one! Because I was loved in such a way that it changed me for the better. And when I get to 40 in a few short years, hopefully I'll have learned and grown that much more. And I will appreciate what a gift and honor this is, every year I get.
Happy birthday, BJay! So much love,
your young and gorgeous wife. ;)
BJay wrestling with Paige on Halloween 2009
BJay doing the dishes...that might be why this is my favorite picture.
BJay taking a moment to enjoy the view.
Family picture at Hanging Rock. :)